It took me many years to figure out that my happiness was only to be found within myself. Once I reached my late adolescence I began to feel, think, and then believe that happiness was available to others, but not to me. This was directly related to my own attempts to fill a spiritual void with a material reality through addiction. It’s what Dr. Carl Jung called ” Spiritus contra spiritum ” It was a thirst for wholeness of my being.
Growing up in a home where I was affected by alcoholism created within me the basic belief that I was not loveable, and I brought this into my adulthood and into all of my relationships. It felt like a hopeless situation, and though I desperately wanted to change, I didn’t know how. Not until I came to . understand how I had been affected by addiction. Then I came to admit and accept my own alcoholism, and that my life was unmanageable. Then things really changed in so many positive ways.
I had believed in God since I was a little girl, but without understanding the disease of alcoholism and the effects of addiction, I was lost.
Being clean and sober for 21 years, and finding the fellowship in the rooms of recovery I finally began to find out what it means when they say ” happiness is an inside job.”